warrior babe

last night, after my spouse left me
at the counselor's to pay the bill
i start to break down as i write the check...
ben, the counselor says gently
"you gonna be ok"
in such an ambiguous tone
i can't tell if it's a statement
or a question, but i feel his deep concern
which makes me bury my face in my hands
and completely loose it.
by the time i get home, i'm
totally exhausted and just fall into bed
after making some required phone calls
and checking the computer for e-mail

in the morning, i decide to start fresh,
i go for a swim at 7 am, shower and get things
together for my drive to santa cruz to see
my mom, dad, sisters, brothers-in-law, and nephew...
it's a long trip and my spouse says i should take his car
i've only driven his new camry hybrid
once before, so when i start down the road
and notice an orange indicator warning light
i pull over and call him to ask whether its something
i need to worry about or if i can keep driving...
he doesn't know... hmmmm... for a second, i consider
turning around and taking my own car, because
my self-confidence is so low, i've convinced myself
that figuring out what to do about the warning light
is beyond me... but the minute i recognize how beaten down
i've become (plus the thought of the price of gas)
i dig a little deeper inside myself and see what
courage, energy and self-reliance i can muster.

my friend, the artist, often tells me that in these moments,
i need to get in touch with my "warrior babe"
which always makes me laugh because i can clearly see
a picture of myself at age 5 being just that
with a ferocious look on my face, arms flexed showing
off my muscles, fully believing i'm totally invincible.

so i drive to the nearest gas station,
pull up to the the air pump, stop the car,
get out the car owner's manual, check the index,
find the translation for the warning light,
see it means some tire's not properly inflated,
get out the tire manual, find the correct psi,
(there's a different psi for cold vs. hot and
front vs. back... so i have to make a judgement call)
plus there's a big warning that "improperly inflated
tires can cause tire failure"... i shudder remembering
the last time i had a blow-out on the freeway
and i don't want to repeat the experience...
so i lurch out of the car resolved to muddle
my way through the problem and get back
on the road to santa cruz as fast as possible cuz i'm late....
as i'm strong-arming the stubborn, retracting air hose,
whipping it around quickly and confidently
to reach all the tires without scratching the car,
i feel someone watching me...
i look up as i'm inflating the last tire,
(which is down to 20 psi whereas it should be at 30 psi)
and i catch sight of a brother over at the gas pumps
leaning on his truck just taking in all my activities...
he quickly gives me a thumbs up and a smile... he says:
"you sho ain't no sissy! i like that! you doin good."

suddenly i start to believe that i'm
gonna survive just fine on my own afterall